Musician's Jokes
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A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
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Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one -- all the rest are true!!
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant."
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend??
A: Homeless!
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer.
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Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
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Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind
of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says
Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a piece
of crap with a band wrapped around it."
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An accordian player parks his car on busy street in N.Y. He's apprehensive to
leave his accordian but puts it in the back seat and locks up the car. He comes
back 2 hours later and as you probably guessed...someone broke into his car
and left 2 more accordians.
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The trombone player had a New Year's gig with his quartet. It was going very
well. The band was enjoying it, the audience was digging and the club owner
was ecstatic.
"Hey, you guys are great!" the club owner exclaimed, "I'd like
book you for next New Year's Eve next year. Are you available?"
"As a matter of fact we are," answered the trombonist.
"Well, consider it booked then!"
"Thanks very much," answered the trombonist, "Is it alright if
I leave my horn here?"
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A blonde drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how
to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store,
walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet
over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have
the fire extinguisher but the radiator has got to stay!!!"
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A foreign pianist was engaged to act as accompanist for an aspiring amateur
singer. The amateur was a lady. She had bounding ambitions but her technique
was faulty. This defect became manifest at the first rehearsal.
After the poor woman had flatted and flatted until she had flatted practically
all of her notes, the accompanist waved her to silence.
"Madam," he said mournfully, "it is no use. I gif up der chob. I blay der black keys, I blay der white keys - und always you sing in der cracks.
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There is a guitarist playing on a big band. The job requires him to read notes
of course. While they were playing a certain piece, he noticed a word "BOW"
on a bar.
So what he did is he bowed (means bending half of the body downwards). Annoyed
of this non-musical term, he just thinking to himself, many years of music school
and they did not teach me this term. So, since he knew he is right, when he
saw the sign "BOW" for the second time, he didn't do it. But to his
surprised, he fell down very hard because something hit his head, can you guess?
The conductor put the sign "BOW" on certain bars because the "TROMBONE PLAYER" is playing behind him. He he he, That's all folks!
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Bandleader sends his son to take piano lessons. The teacher's first question
was whether the boy knew the scale, to which he replied, "Oh, yes,ma'am--$125
for the leader and 100 for the sidemen."
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Perfect Pitch: Tossing a soprano sax into a toilet without touching the rim.
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A pianist and a vocalist are working their regular gig as a duo, and right before
they start a tune they play every night, the pianist says to the singer, "Wait
a sec... I'd like to try something a little different tonight. I'll play my
normal intro, but I want you to come in after only seven bars, and sing a minor
3rd BELOW the key I'm playing. Then sing the verse a 1/2 step ABOVE the key,
but go to the bridge after 11 bars, and sing the bridge a 4th above that. Then
on the last verse, sing a whole step sharp for the first five and a half bars,
then drop a half step as you go to the coda six and a half bars early."
The singer, stunned, says, "What?!? I can't do that!!"
To which the pianist replies calmly, "Why not? You nailed it *last* night."
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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise
coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
The magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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Sadam Husein, Hitler and Kenny G are all in a room together. You have a revolver
with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
Kenny G two times!
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An then there was the one about the jazz musician and the country musician who
made a dope run to Columbia, got caught and were sentenced to be executed by
firing squad. The captain asked,
"Any last request?" to which the country musician replied,
"Yes, I'd like to hear Achy Breaky Heart one more time."
The captain turned to the jazz musician who begged,
"Shoot me first".
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This would be jazz tenor man was having 'creativity' problems and felt that
a trip to London's Soho district might stimulate his playing. He got a cheap
apartment and every afternoon would go out on the balcony and practice. One
day he started playing Over the Rainbow and a crowd began to gather. He played
the first eight, then the second eight, and then the first eight again and the
second eight again and just repeated this again and again until a voice in the
crowd below yelled, "Play the bridge!"
In a fit of temporary insanity the sax man threw himself off of the balcony
and landed below on the street where the crowd gathered around his crushed body.
"Why did you do that?" asked one of his listeners.
"I never can remember how the bridge goes and I'll never be a jazz musician. How does the bridge go?" he wheezed.
At that point an approaching ambulance wailed, " Dah dah, dah dah, dah, dah....(Bb G, Bb G...)"
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This is a true story told by Oscar Peterson on a Jazz Cruise....
While doing a Norman Grantz Jazz at the Philharmonic all of the cats in the
band would go downstairs to the basement at half time to play poker and Ella
would come on stage with her group. As they filed downstairs they would lay
their horns on a big table in the wing.
Oscar and one other cat who didn't gamble stayed in the wings and listened to Ella. Oscar relates that his gaze wandered over to the table where all the horns were scattered about and out of curiosity began looking them over. He noticed that the mouthpiece on Diz's horn was shallow with a big hole and that Roy Eldridge's was deep with a small hole. He turned to his friend and said, "Shall we switch mouthpieces?" They did
When Ella began singing Lady Be Good it was a cue for all the cats to come back on stage for the big finale. They all rushed by, picked up their horns and ran on stage. Ella finished her scat and turned to Diz and said,
"Take it Diz...."
Diz put his horn to his mouth and went splaatttt! Roy, quick to the rescue said, "I got it Diz" and went squeeaak. Brought down the house! Oscar didn't dare tell them that he did it.
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A man is being led thru the jungle on a safari. He begins to hear some really
furious, pounding drums, rolling along without end. After 15 minutes of this,
he asks the guide "When do the drums stop?" The guide answers "Oh,
the drums NEVER stop. Bad things happen then." The man ponders this for
about two hours more of furious pounding, and says, irritated, "When do
the drums stop?!?" "The drums never stop. Bad things happen when the
drums stop." Finally, after 5 hours, the man asks "What bad thing
happens when the drums stop?" "BASS SOLO."
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Orchestra Personnel Standards:
Conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Trumpet Player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
Second Violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Horn Player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
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A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition
he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?"
asked the conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented
musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
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A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's
dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting
the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling.
"I just like to hear you say it."
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There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately
guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and
the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should
meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics
and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for
him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football
with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
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There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other
didn't have any money either.
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We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became
a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.
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Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be
violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about
composers.
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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument .
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store
and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions
are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like
the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says,
"You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How
did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is
the radiator."
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Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened
to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I
don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over
the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
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A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you
will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So, the guy went into surgery.
When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake
and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh,
that's okay. Got some sticks?"
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In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony
orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some
really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising
madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said,
"I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
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Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
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A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the
local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up
his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor
asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied
with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
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Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks,
they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee
performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit
that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know
that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys
up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
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The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist
lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why?
Am I sharp?"
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The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off
stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called,
"If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
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A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. To his delight, he learns when he gets
there that he will be joining the big band. The saxophones are Johnny Hodges,
Charlie Parker, Lester Young, Coleman Hawkins and Harry Carney. The trumpets
include Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Louis Armstrong and Roy Eldridge. The
trombones are equally great. Papa Jo Jones is on drums, Oscar Pettiford on bass
and Art Tatum is on piano.
But when he gets to the first rehearsal Gil Evans, the arranger-conductor, pulls
him aside and says: "Listen, I just have to warn you about one thing. God
has this girlfriend who sings..."
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Three guys held winning tickets to the largest lottery jackpot in history. A
tabloid news program decided to do a piece on it, and interview the three co-winners.
The first guy was a lawyer, and when asked what he intended to do with his winnings,
he replied: "I think I'll start a practice that caters to the less fortunate,
and take on only clients whose causes I really believe in". The second
guy was a doctor, and when asked the same question, replied: "I think I'll
open a clinic which offers quality medical care to the less fortunate and homeless,
free of charge." The third guy was a jazz guitarist, and when asked what
he would do with his new fortune, said: "I think I'll just keep gigging
until the money runs out".